|
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment
they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes
the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another
blanket." The man thinks to himself and suggests "Ive got an idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for moment. "Why not", she giggles. "Great!", he replies, "Get your own fu*king
blanket!"
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly
leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That,
son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, Son."
 |
|
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will
kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a 20 note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that
someone threw up on you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've
thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting," etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says,
"Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or
else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me 20 for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is 40."
He says, "Ah, yes. He sh*t in my trousers
too."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing
how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of
cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
|
|
During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the
man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about
something."
She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my arse!"
He says, "That's
what I want to talk to you about."
The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed.
Their bodies fused
together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front
door. Hide in the bathroom", she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she
turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.
"Darling,
I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive you." she replied with a wink and a smile.
"Great" he said,
"I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the
bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumbfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"
"I'm
from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied. The husband yelled,
"but you've got no clothes on!!!"
The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little
bast*rds."
VINNY THE NEW YORKER
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named
Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't
be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your
first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's
easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got
no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up
the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty
tree'n dirty tree dat's 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All
right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture
once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at
the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a shit on each a dem trees, so now
ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes one hunnert. Bada boom, bada bing.
When do I freakin' start?"
There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up
a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The
little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.
The little
boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"
The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they
are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a
few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three?"
The father coyly answered, "Those are
for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."
"Uh-Huh,"
said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"
The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college.
There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."
"Wow," said the little boy in
amazement. He then asked, "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"
The father answered, "Those, my son,
are for married men. One for January, one for February..."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
|
|
After days in the wilderness Paddy and Murphy stumble into
a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately
they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit.
Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under
his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says "I fu*king hate Indians. Last week the bast*rds burnt my barn to the ground,
raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars". The two
Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Murphy throws a stone which
hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Murphy dash down into
the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Suddenly Murphy says"Paddy look at this," and Paddy says, "Not
now I'm busy." and Murphy says "No, look at this." and Paddy says, "F*ck off, I'm busy," but Murphy grabs hold of him and
Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine. "F*ck me," says Paddy, "we're going to be millionaires".
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist,
"we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"YES!",
said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
A guy is going on a tour of a factory
that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The
machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping
sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where
condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the
tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in
the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good
for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
Three nuns were in the church
the other day and the 1st nun says, "I was going through the Father's office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic
magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The
second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh
my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The
third nun fainted.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them,
he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust.
The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes
into the store the next day,
repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" ask the chemist.
"I did", replied the assistant.
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
A Christmas Story
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking
very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading
my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under
my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and
thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was
holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters.
His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children
Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents
for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed
one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said,
"I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How
loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely
no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
|
